DJ Wanker
C/o Candy Bar
129 St James's Street
Brighton BN1
Dear Madonna,

I am writing to invite you to come down and do a live PA in Brighton on Saturday December 2nd at my club night, Fuck The Pain Away. You may have read the thing about it in The Friday Ad the other month.

To tell you the truth, I've never been much of a fan of anything you've done, really. But we hear that your new album's ña bit Electroî, and that you've made it with Stuart Price (aka Thin White Duke/Jacques Lu Cont etc), who's done some of our favourite remixes this year. So playing FTPA would be a perfect opportunity to give it some much-needed publicity in the Meridian region.

We think it would be best if you keep the PA quite short - 15 minutes max. Any longer than this and people will get bored.

Ideally, we'd like you to do about three numbers, plus an encore. Start with your new single - can't remember what it's called, but it's the one on the mobile phone ad. Apparently, there's a track on your new album that sounds a bit like West End Girls and one that's a bit like Light Years - these would probably go down quite well. For an encore, how about one of your big hit singles? Either Girls Just Wanna Have Fun or Spice Up Your Life would be good.. (Nothing from Dick Tracey or Evita, please!)

We would pay you:
£20 - in cash - at the end of the night.
Five drinks tickets.
Return train fare. (Sorry, we won't pay taxi fare, as the club's only ten minutes' walk from Brighton Station).
If you're bringing anyone with you we can, of course, put them on the guestlist. (Maximum of two!)

Can you get someone to send us a recent photo of you? We need one to put on the flyer, be good for anyone who doesn't know your name, but might have seen you on the telly.

I need to warn you that the night is quite popular with the gays. If you have any sort of problem with these people, perhaps it's best if we forget it.

I think this PA would be great for both you and the club. Please let me know if you're up for doing it asap.
Lastly, is it okay if you don't bring Guy Ritchie? It's just that everyone here thinks he's a twat.

Yours,

DJ Wanker

PS Geri Halliwell did an in-store signing at Woolworths on Western Road two years ago. Adam knows Dave that works on Pick n Mix, so we could ask about fixing one up for you earlier the same day, if you want to kill two birds with one stone.