FTPA invades Poland

By DJ Wanker

Back in June, this boy came up to us at Fuck The Pain Away, and told us that he'd really love to put the night on in Warsaw. At the time we just thought; "Christ, you must be even more drunk than we are", and presumed that that would be the last we ever heard about it. Luckily we were wrong.

There's a gay club in Warsaw called Kokon and they'd just had a swanksome makeover, and were re-opening as Tomba Tomba, and wanted us to go and play at the big re-opening party on Saturday September 17th. Now, did they really think us to turn that down?



We had no idea what to expect. I read over the summer that Warsaw's right-wing mayor had banned their Gay Pride march. It went ahead in defiance, but was met by a counter demonstration by a few hundred neo-Nazi thugs. It made me think that the trip might not be a walk in the park.
Apart from a bit of history that you could fit on the back of a matchbox, I didn't know much about Poland, either. Poland was occupied by the Nazis, after the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising and the Ghetto Uprising, they got booted out. The Poles voted in a communist government, but it fell under Soviet control. Then Solidarity came along, so they imposed martial law, and eventually it all fell apart. Poland's supposed to be the big success story of the post-Soviet Eastern Bloc countries. But many of its leaders have been pursuing second-hand Thatcherite Neo-liberal economic policies, and unemployment is currently around 30%.
It's also a deeply Catholic country. Photos of their favourite son, Pope John Paul II, beam down from everywhere, and many politicians know that a bit of gay-bashing plays well with much of the electorate.
I also had no idea what the country would look like. The only bit of Poland that I can remember seeing pictures of are the Gdansk shipyards. You kind of assume that everywhere in Eastern Europe is going to be very grim and grey; all tower blocks and factories. Warsaw is shockingly pretty - especially the old town where most gay venues are - it's like something out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Ironically, "the old town" was actually built in the1950s; the Nazis had razed much of the city to the ground when they retreated from Warsaw.
Luckily, we were going to be chaperoned around by Pawel, who set up the gig. We arrived on the Friday evening, and the second we leave the airport, he produces a small bottle of vodka and offers it round. This could be a fun trip, I thought. Or it could be a very messy one. Everything in Poland's very cheap, by the way; a packet of fags costs around £1, and a bottle of vodka costs two. My kind of town
We take a taxi to the flat of some friends of Pawel's, who live in a lovely, though small flat. Within an hour they've offered us four different types of vodka. They make it themselves, apparently; "We buy spirit off Russians at the market." Yum! They also get the dope out. I soon realise that everything in Poland is about three times the strength it is back home. We're going off to a club, but I'm twatted before we leave. The venue's a bit posh and quite mixed. The place is packed, but they don't seem big on dancing here.



After a bit we go off to Tomba Tomba. A really weird looking place, but delightfully so. It's in this old triangular-shaped house, in what looks like a normal residential street. They're putting me and Adam up in a little apartment at the very top. We dump our stuff up there and go and check out the club. There's lots of nice and sleazy homoerotic art on the walls, and a bed - somewhat bizzarely - by the front door. We're worried that it's completely dead. But then remember that it's not actually opening til tomorrow. The dancefloor seems to be a little on the small side, too. Like the size of someone's living room, with chairs everywhere. Maybe we're playing in the basement? But we check and that's a building site. This doesn't seem to be quite as glamorous a gig as we were hoping for, but we agree to make the most of it.
We wake up on Saturday starving, so Pawel takes us to a traditional Polish restaurant. It's actually like a Stalinist school canteen inside and I'd prefer not to talk about the food. Oh, alright then, it was muck. We walk it off by schlepping round the old town. The Poles seem rather keen on statues of Copernicus, Chopin and endless dead popes . Not everyone's too keen on the latter, mind. There's an annual ceremony here, where feminists go round throwing their knickers at the statues of the popes. You go, girls.
Back at the club, Pawel introduces us to the owner, Krystian, who's lovely. He takes us down to the basement, which bizarrely has been transformed into a club that very morning. See, it's true what they say about Polish workmen. Me and Adam now have very large grins on our faces. This looks like it's going to be fun. Big fun.
We celebrate with a drink - but by now we've realised that over here it's best to stick to beer - especially as we prefer to DJ standing up. Our heads are starting to swell visibly. Everywhere that we've been in Warsaw had flyers for the night, with photos of our ugly mugs on. I ask Pawel what they say about us. It's something like; "From the gay capital of the UK They don't play for jessies". Oh yes, we do.
We're slightly apprehensive about playing. Mainly as we're a complete unknown quantity here, so there's a chance people wouldn't get our "Homo Electro Punk Disco" schtick at all. We had nightmares that people would be coming up to the DJ box and demanding that we play; "House music which is both funky and uplifting." And then there's always that nagging doubt - what if NOBODY comes?!
We needn't have worried. The club got packed within half of an hour of it opening. It was quite a young crowd, quite alternative and with some very cute boys, too. I got the impression that a lot of people weren't that familiar with the music we were playing, but that they still really loved it. It meant we could get away with playing a lot more old stuff than we would normally. We even played 'Rocker' for the first time in a year. We started off quite light and fluffy; Princess Superstar and Goldfrapp. But surprisingly they really got off on the harder stuff, like Tiefschwarz and LCD Soundsystem. And they all went bonkers for Tomas Andesson's 'Washing Up'. But then who wouldn't?
We fucking loved it. Even if we had a mad dash to get to the airport just two hours after the club had closed. Did they like us? It would seem so. They've asked us back next month.
  • A version of this article appeared in Gscene, October 2005. www.gscene.com